A Primer for PA Republicans: How to Talk About Sex Without Devolving into Bestiality

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When a Republican willingly gives his views on love, marriage, or sex, it just doesn’t tend to end well. Pennsylvanians are well aware of this phenomenon. But a recent WNYC interview of retired GOP Wyoming Senator Alan Simpson should set an example for Republicans on the dos and don’ts of having a civil discourse about intercourse.

The Dos, via Alan Simpson:

On intimacy and talking about sex: “Then when you talk about [sex], you think, well there’s a couple of horny people. No, that’s not the point. It’s called intimacy. Scratch my back. Give me a hug. Just a hug. I’d say, ‘Ok [pant-pant-pant].’ Just a touch, you know, a whack on the fanny in the kitchen.”

On relationships: “The secret is you both try to control each other and you both fail, but it’s critical that you both fail. And you do it in the most skilled and manipulative ways.”

On a partner who makes you better: “I got arrested one night, got in a fist fight, got in a fight with a cop, slugged the cop. Ended up in jail, called her. I said I need $300 bail. She said, are you kidding? I’m working my way through school, I don’t have $300 bucks bail. Maybe you oughta just stay there — and I thought Jesus, you know, it would be good if I linked up with her. She could be a helpful ally in this continuing battle for maturity.”

The Don’ts, via Rick Santorum, Tom Corbett, and Daryl Metcalfe:

“In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality.” – former Senator Rick Santorum

“In reality, women in Pennsylvania will be healthier and the children safer when we permanently defund Planned Parenthood and its anti-family agenda.”—State Representative Daryl Metcalfe

“[Comparing gay marriage and marrying your child] was an inappropriate analogy, you know? I think a much better analogy would have been brother and sister, don’t you?” – Governor Tom Corbett

About Jake Sternberger

Jake Sternberger was a contributing writer at Keystone Politics from 2011 to 2014.
This entry was posted in Issues, LGBT / Gay Rights.

2 Responses to A Primer for PA Republicans: How to Talk About Sex Without Devolving into Bestiality

  1. Elinore says:

    Yet, the media tends to ignore when Democrats say the same types of things. When’s the last time we heard about former Dem state Rep. Babette Josephs’ extremely offensive remark that pro-life women are just “men with breasts”?