April 1st—After more than a year of negative polling numbers, administration sources close to Governor Tom Corbett are reporting that the former-prosecutor’s once-cheery demeanor has taken a marked turn for the worse.
“He’s just not the same,” said Deputy Chief of Staff Luke Bernstein. “He’s drawn the shades in his office and appears to be in this for the long haul.”
Records obtained via PA’s Right-to-Know law confirm Bernstein’s characterization, showing that Corbett has replaced most of his classic rock music on his desktop iTunes library with Dashboard Confessional, My Chemical Romance, and Sunny Day Real Estate.
He has also changed his homepage on his computer to xanga.com.
Press Secretary Jay Pagni sought to downplay Corbett’s melancholy as merely an “emo phase,” saying the Governor has always had an interest in gothic subcultures.
Specifically, Pagni cited Corbett’s brief experiment with vampirism earlier in his tenure and his subsequent attempts at lobbying Stephenie Meyer to film the next Twilight movie in Pennsylvania.
According to Pagni, the Governor is “making strides” in his quest to find himself and his place in the universe, such as writing poetry.
As proof, Pagni emailed Keystone Politics a copy of Corbett’s most recent piece, titled “Black November.”
There is darkness all around me.
Deep, piercing black, I cannot breath.
Drowning alone, I gasp for air.
Coldness creeps over pale skin.
The sadness is so deep it pulls me down.
Happiness dies in a deep, dark sea.