APRIL 1ST – Late yesterday evening, Governor Tom Corbett stunned both liberals and conservatives alike when he drafted and signed an executive order that legal experts believe legalizes the possession, cultivation, and distribution of marijuana, commonly referred to as “weed.”
Corbett, who served as Attorney General before he was elected Governor, had generally been known as hard on drugs and an advocate of zero tolerance by law enforcement personnel. Sources close to Corbett are stating on condition of anonymity that the Governor has been under a lot of stress lately, receiving criticism from virtually every group except wealthy drilling executives.
As his approval ratings have plummeted in recent months, these same sources report, Corbett has taken to locking himself in his office for hours at a time, blasting Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and King Crimson.
The order legalizing marijuana was reportedly written during one of these hours-long sessions.
The text of the order, which aides say was personally drafted last night by Corbett himself, has an unprecedented length of a mere single sentence. The full text of the order is as follows:
“As Governor of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania I hereby order that weed is now totally legal, like for everybody.”
Republican House Leadership was quick to respond to the news, and House Majority Leader Mike Turzai immediately advocated the privatization of all future marijuana sales.
“Government has many responsibilities–providing a good education, ensuring safe streets, clean air and water,” said Turzai. “Selling marijuana is not one of them, and we should leave this to private corporations and businesses. I will be adding marijuana privatization to my next round of PLCB hearings.”
State Representative Stephen Bloom (R-Cumberland), author of H.B. 1424 which made “Pennsylvania Preferred” the official trademark of agricultural goods produced in Pennsylvania, said in a statement to Keystone Politics that “Pennsylvania farmers are ecstatic about the possibility of converting their corn farms into cannabis fields. I personally can’t wait to see the PA Preferred label on dime bags.”
“PA Preferred is a marketing tool that consumers associate with quality products, and I know Pennsylvania farmers will produce the bombest, headiest fire ganja in the Mid-Atlantic Region of this great country,” Bloom added.
The entire Democratic delegation was unavailable for comment with the exception of Mark Cohen (D-Philadelphia) who answered a phone call from Keystone Politics but hung up after laughing uncontrollably for over 12 minutes, for no apparent reason.
UPDATE: Sources at the PA Department of Transportation are confirming that Corbett also has filed to legally change his middle name from “William” to “Hannibal” so that his initials can now be THC, apparently a reference to Tetrahydrocannabinol, the active chemical in the marijuana plant.