Governor Corbett Signs Executive Order Legalizing Marijuana

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APRIL 1ST – Late yesterday evening, Governor Tom Corbett stunned both liberals and conservatives alike when he drafted and signed an executive order that legal experts believe legalizes the possession, cultivation, and distribution of marijuana, commonly referred to as “weed.”

Corbett, who served as Attorney General before he was elected Governor, had generally been known as hard on drugs and an advocate of zero tolerance by law enforcement personnel.  Sources close to Corbett are stating on condition of anonymity that the Governor has been under a lot of stress lately, receiving criticism from virtually every group except wealthy drilling executives.

As his approval ratings have plummeted in recent months, these same sources report, Corbett has taken to locking himself in his office for hours at a time, blasting Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and King Crimson.

The order legalizing marijuana was reportedly written during one of these hours-long sessions.

The text of the order, which aides say was personally drafted last night by Corbett himself, has an unprecedented length of a mere single sentence.  The full text of the order is as follows:

“As Governor of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania I hereby order that weed is now totally legal, like for everybody.”

Republican House Leadership was quick to respond to the news, and House Majority Leader Mike Turzai immediately advocated the privatization of all future marijuana sales.

“Government has many responsibilities–providing a good education, ensuring safe streets, clean air and water,” said Turzai.  “Selling marijuana is not one of them, and we should leave this to private corporations and businesses.  I will be adding marijuana privatization to my next round of PLCB hearings.”

State Representative Stephen Bloom (R-Cumberland), author of H.B. 1424 which made “Pennsylvania Preferred” the official trademark of agricultural goods produced in Pennsylvania, said in a statement to Keystone Politics that “Pennsylvania farmers are ecstatic about the possibility of converting their corn farms into cannabis fields.  I personally can’t wait to see the PA Preferred label on dime bags.”

“PA Preferred is a marketing tool that consumers associate with quality products, and I know Pennsylvania farmers will produce the bombest, headiest fire ganja in the Mid-Atlantic Region of this great country,” Bloom added.

The entire Democratic delegation was unavailable for comment with the exception of Mark Cohen (D-Philadelphia) who answered a phone call from Keystone Politics but hung up after laughing uncontrollably for over 12 minutes, for no apparent reason.

UPDATE: Sources at the PA Department of Transportation are confirming that Corbett also has filed to legally change his middle name from “William” to “Hannibal” so that his initials can now be THC, apparently a reference to Tetrahydrocannabinol, the active chemical in the marijuana plant.

About Jake Sternberger

Jake Sternberger was a contributing writer at Keystone Politics from 2011 to 2014.
This entry was posted in Budget, Civil Rights, Health and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Governor Corbett Signs Executive Order Legalizing Marijuana

  1. jt says:

    today is april fools day , har de har har , what you dont realize is just how serious the weed issue is and further more how realistically difficult it is for citizens of less ‘modernized ‘ states, ie: those states without mar. decriminalization, and then u realize this is no laughing matter, and the only joke here is your skill as a writer .., sucks to be u .

  2. Mike Parent says:

    I Know it’s April fools day, and this seems too good to be true. Imagine, a real life politician who is willing to stop this 21st century witch hunt! Thank you.
    LEAP member, NYPD, ret.

  3. Carl Forscht says:

    I was thinking this morning: when will I read the first April Fools joke of the day? Here it is @10:36 AM Hardy har har…

  4. Julieann Wozniak says:

    Diet Coke really burns when it comes out your nose, LOL. Good one!!!!

  5. Pingback: Pennsylvania Governor signs executive order legalizing marijuana | The Puffington Host

  6. Malcolm Kyle says:

    If you’re a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking prohibitionist who’s career has entailed subjecting the rest of us to off-the-scale corruption and lawlessness, then maybe you should consider moving to somewhere that won’t extradite you to a future national or international drug-war tribunal for your crimes against humanity.

    Prohibition has finally run its course; our prisons are full, our economy is in ruins, the lives and livelihoods of tens of millions of Americans have been destroyed or severely disrupted, and what was once a shining beacon of liberty and prosperity has become a toxic, repressive, smoldering heap of hypocrisy and a gross affront to fundamental human decency.

    It is now the duty of every last one of us to insure that the people who are responsible for this shameful situation are not simply left in peace to enjoy the wealth and status that their despicable actions have, until now, afforded them. Former and present Prohibitionists must not be allowed to remain untainted and untouched from the unconscionable acts that they have viciously committed on their fellow citizens. – They have provided us with neither safe communities nor safe streets; we will provide them with neither a safe haven to enjoy their ill-gotten gains nor the liberty to repeat such a similar atrocity!

    Prohibition has evolved local gangs into transnational enterprises with intricate power structures that reach into every corner of society, helping them control vast swaths of territory while gifting them with significant social and military resources.

    Those responsible for the shameful policy of prohibition shall not go unpunished!

  7. sweetgreatmom says:

    This is an April Fools joke right?

  8. Chelsea Pop says:

    ‘We still burn witches Pennsylvania’ will never legalize Marijuana. Good joke.
    However, it is not a joke to those with medical conditions where Marijuana helps pain management (I.E Cancer and Multiple Sclerosis, as well as the positive effects for many other ailments). I myself have MS, and am tired of the idea that they will give me addictive pain medications, but won’t let me smoke a little pot. It’s frustrating.

  9. Dudley says:

    Not funny asshole

  10. krissi says:

    This was just wrong, not kool

  11. Jason says:

    “The bombest, headiest fire ganja” – can you imagine Steve Bloom actually saying that?! SO FUNNY! THANK YOU for the laugh.

  12. Jon says:

    In all seriousness, planting hemp between rows of corn would increase crop yields by improving soil quality, which would totally help farmers make more money…

  13. Ziggy Sirjack says:

    It’s about time. Even the new comedy film Gone to Pot is running a free video contest asking people to submit a 45 second or less video on why they like weed. Would they do that if it wasn’t popular? The top 10 videos will be in the film and the top 3 will share $10,000. They even have Celebrities judging (comedian Margaret Cho and Academy Award nominate director Peter Bogdanovich). Facebook at Gonetopotmovie.

  14. Bud Palm says:

    Sad joke. Too many people suffering without access to legal pot all over the country. Not to mention the harm associated with it’s demonization. Get a grip, PA!

  15. Jake says:

    All of the idiotic “suffering without access to legal pot”, “not funny”, etc. comments are just stupid. You don’t need weed to be legal, and even in those states where it is legal it’s for medical purposes only (ex: you can’t just buy some and then go smoke it because you felt like it). Medically, yes, marijuana should be legalized in every state. For recreational purposes, who gives a shit. It’s not a necessity unless you’re addicted (and I’ve known some people addicted to weed, even though it’s “not addictive” [it actually is psychologically which causes all the same symptoms of addiction and withdrawal when you quit] who vehemently deny they’re addicted).

    • chuck says:

      Jake, your an idiot. The worst thing that can happen when you don’t have weed anymore or decide to quit is maybe a few restless nights and maybe a little moody. Educate yourself before trying to sound smart.

    • mindash says:

      so you rather people be addicted to and or dependent on drugs that are in the same family as heroin and sometimes stronger? must be a junky

  16. Todd says:

    Why is this remotely humorous? For those including myself that suffer from a medical condition where this would be beneficial. NOT funny! This is indirectly making fun of the ones this would help!

  17. Wil says:

    Jake, You are an idiot.

  18. Connie Guy says:

    Imagine how many grains of sand it takes to make a beach. There are So many extreme and compelling facets to the issue of cannabis, legalization/decriminalization, medicinal, recreational and then on to Hemp, farming, textile, nutritional, fossil, renewable, heating, fuel, construction… I could go on and on. The fact are facts.. scientifically ~it IS all there for the eyes to behold and the brain to wrap itself around. The information highway that is filled with all the information any one could possibly dream of?.. is there to read. Those of you who continue to flap your gums with rhetoric that holds truth like a bucket full of holes?… really have no place or room to offer any opinion what so ever! Seriously… if you want to join the discussion for or against.. at least have the dignity, for your own sake .. to EDUCATE yourself before spewing your anti reasoning. when you make comments such as “For recreational purposes, who gives a shit” what you fail to realize is that if it were legal and taxed.. Our country could virtually be out of debt in a hundred different ways.. we would at a near future point, never have to borrow money from foreign countries or buy cheap imported garbage again. Our schools, all across this nation could be funded so well, that EVERY child in EVERY classroom in EVERY grade from K to College could have a computer at their desk, or books and teachers would be paid well. Don’t underestimate the cash cow that this movement will produce. Keep watching.. It will astound you … and will happen soon.. although not soon enough… since we have been fighting this failed “war on drugs’ since 1934/37 when prohibition hit the Hemp and cannabis market. It’s time to put it to rest.

    And lastly…. Jake Sternberger… I got a good April ‘fool’ chuckle … thanks… It was a wonderful dream … till I awoke… oh if only it were true!!!